


maybe, actually, I don't know

by jimalim320



Category: Teenage Bounty Hunters (TV)
Genre: Canon Continuation, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Post Finale, Sharing a Bed, Two Shot, april pov, spoilers for season1, stepril - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:47:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27484495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jimalim320/pseuds/jimalim320
Summary: Post season 1 episode 10One week.Five full school days.All lacking appearance from either Wesley twin. No one having seen or heard from them since the day of the Lock-In.The rumors about their absence ranged wildly from innocent well wishes over a bad case of the flu, to the outrageously imaginative such as the rapture having happened, and Sterling and Blair were the only ones God saved.No one seemed to know exactly why they were gone. April had an idea, though one she couldn’t dare voice.April POV
Relationships: April Stevens/Sterling Wesley
Comments: 28
Kudos: 193





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> Hello TBH Family!! This is my first fic for this fandom, and the first real fic I've written in ages! I love this show and these characters so much, it inspired me to finally write again! This will be a 2 shot fic, I'm not sure when chapter 2 will be posted but I'm working on it right now so hopefully soon! Make sure to bookmark it! Please let me know what yall think!

One week.

Five full school days.

All lacking appearance from either Wesley twin. No one having seen or heard from them since the day of the Lock-In.

The rumors about their absence ranged wildly from innocent well wishes over a bad case of the flu, to the outrageously imaginative such as the rapture having happened, and Sterling and Blair were the only ones God saved.

No one seemed to know _exactly_ why they were gone. April had an idea, though one she couldn’t dare voice.

The last time she saw Sterling played over and over in April’s mind. The memory of her heartbroken face etched behind her eyelids. She didn’t want things to end the way they did, but it’s not like she really had much of a choice. Not with her father home from jail. It was too dangerous. For both of them. She feels as if she didn’t make a strong enough case for that given Sterling’s reluctance.

Everything just became too real so quick. She wasn’t ready. The earnestness of Sterling’s affection was something April always dreamed of but could never properly prepare for. There was something about the reality of it that made it impossible to compute.

Throughout the week April had messaged Sterling against her better judgement. Growing more and more concerned with each unanswered text and school absence, April even tried calling, still to no avail. Even Sterling’s socials remained un-updated.

April approached Ellen after class, in hope that she’d know the reason behind Sterling’s sustained absence. Maybe she was just sick, but surly the faculty would have been notified if something worse happened…

Still with no clarity thanks to a clueless as usual Ellen, April offered to bring the Wesley twins their missed schoolwork as an excuse to find out. Ellen happily obliged. _“I’m so happy y’all are friends again! I knew you two would make a great pair!”_

…

Sitting in her car, fingers nervously drumming along the steering wheel, April debates whether she should attempt to knock on the Wesley’s door, or to instead just leave the tote of textbooks and notes on the porch only to send a text notifying the girls of its delivery later, once she’s long gone from the premises. After several minutes of trying to hype herself up, April rushes to the door before she has a chance to chicken out.

Blair answers the door to April’s surprise. The girl doesn’t greet her, so April sputters out a flustered, “I know I’m probably the last person Sterling wants to see right now—” Before getting cut off by the other twin.

“You can drop the act April, I know you guys are together, you don’t have to pretend.”

April is taken aback by this statement. Had Sterling not told Blair about their breakup?

Blair assumes April’s stunned demeanor is because she though it was a secret. “Yes she told me you two were-” _hooking up,_ Sterling’s voice rings in her mind “-look, I know we haven’t had the best rapport, but I promise to make an effort.” She breathes in deep as if her words physically pained her to say, “For Sterling’s sake.”

April doesn’t know exactly how to respond to this surprisingly cordial exchange, especially given the information Blair seems to be missing. She merely nods as a sign of mutual respect.

Blair steps to the side, allowing April to come in. They ascend the stairs in silence until Blair stops her at the top. She speaks in a hushed tone. “She hasn’t really left her room all week, so heads up for any gross smells.” April lets out a quiet and tense laugh as Blair leaves to go to her own room.

April turns her attention to the closed door to her left. Quietly stepping toward it, she hesitates once again. Should she really be here? It’s not exactly her place to get involved, especially given Sterling clearly doesn’t want her help. She thinks about their conversation outside the Lock-In again. Those teary sullen eyes. The crack of her voice: _maybe, actually, I don’t know._

Though it may be selfish of her to think, April still can’t help but feel like she’s part of the reason Sterling is in whatever kind of depression she’s in. The guilt builds as a lump in her throat.

Knock, knock.

April quietly slides through the door after a moment of silence.

“Blair, I said I’m not hungry. I promise I’ll eat later!” Sterling throws out from under a pile of blankets and pillows after sensing the shift of her door. Not a single strand of hair visible.

April lightly clears her throat, trying to push the feelings away. Nervously she adds, “it’s not Blair.”

She can tell Sterling recognizes the sound of her voice by the way the covers tighten around the girl’s head. Part of her feels like she should take this as a sign and leave, but the other part cares too much to leave it at that. She’s come this far, she’s determined to see it through.

“I brought your schoolwork.” April mentions as she sets the bag on the desk chair, she makes a mental note to let Blair know hers in there as well. She moves toward the bed but doesn’t dare sit. Her uniform suddenly feels too constricting as she feels her body temperature rise. She powers through, “I know I probably shouldn’t be here, but you weren’t answering my calls.” She breathes slowly, exhaling quietly, “I was worried.” It wasn’t enough to cover the quiver in her voice.

Sterling clearly notices this and softens. Slowly letting her guard down both emotionally and physically. Her head emerges from the cover. “My phone’s broken.”

It’s short and to the point. She doesn’t offer any further explanation. Just lets the statement hang in the uncomfortable silence between them.

April lets out the smallest “oh” in response and looks over her shoulder at the door. Once again mulling over the thought of leaving. The silence is deafening. And Sterling is merely laying there staring at her with sad unrelenting eyes. Maybe she wasn’t ready for this. She pivots in effort to leave before a small voice stops her in her tracks.

“April…”

She doesn’t turn around at first, giving Sterling the chance to back out. She was blindsided by this unannounced visit after all. Plus she’s afraid if she looks into those eyes again she might start crying. Sterling’s voice is low and pleading, it makes April’s heart hurt.

“I’m sorry I didn’t respect you.”

The words hit April like a freight train. An apology was the _last_ thing she thought would happen in this scenario, coming from Sterling’s side at least. She turns around slowly, finding Sterling is now standing still by her bed, facing her directly. She elaborates, “you kept telling me you weren’t ready, that your family-that preserving your family dynamic was important. I didn’t get that before—I should have listened and respected your wishes. I’m sorry that I didn’t.”

April’s not sure what to say. The words are pretty much everything she’s been wanting to hear for the past week. She regrets the way she acted at the Lock-In. It was awful of her to flirt with Luke the way she did, it wasn’t fair to anyone. But as she said to Sterling on the bench outside the school, she was paranoid. Her dad was back, and he asked about the Wesley twins even though he knew they were not friends. What else was she supposed to interpret that question with other than fear?

She felt like Sterling wasn’t listening to her. That Sterling’s insistence on wanting to tell the truth should override the genuine and deep concerns April felt. Yes, she changed her mind, but like she stated before. She’s allowed to do so. She’s allowed to have agency over what decisions would affect her life.

April has known her truth for years. She’s confident in who she is, and knows what she wants, or rather who she wants. But she’s also realistic. She knows the circumstances that surround her. How her parents would react. The kids at school. The general public.

She’s thought through the possibilities. She’s spent years calculating. If/when/how?

Sterling’s eagerness to come out was something April never could have predicted. In all the dreams where Sterling returned her feelings, never did she think broadcasting their relationship to the world was the most likely scenario. Once again, she had underestimated the girl.

She could not have predicted Sterling’s stubbornness either. She wishes with her whole heart she could feel as brave as Sterling said she was. _Be_ as brave. That she could just hold her hand as they slept next to each other at the Lock-In. Part of her believes she could have handled it. With Sterling by her side.

If it were _just_ their peers.

With her father out of the picture, April felt for the first time in years that maybe she could be happy. That she could live her truth. Now that he’s back, she’s even more afraid than she ever was. She knew what he was capable of. And now her secret wasn’t as iron clad as it once was.

It’s the directness of Sterling’s apology that really catches her off guard. Sterling is certainly one of the most compassionate and understanding people she knows, so her coming to this realization doesn’t shock her. She’s perfectly capable of self-reflection. She wonders if the week of apparent wallowing made her think. But there’s something different about the tone of her voice. The sincerity and the conviction in which she spoke, felt like a reflection of experience. As if something specific sparked this understanding.

April doesn’t want to pry, but she makes note of the way Sterling looks at her sorrowfully. She can tell there’s other things spinning around Sterling’s head. She’s unsure of what to say other than a hushed “thank you” accompanying a sweet lopsided smile.

Sterling begins to fidget with the hem of her oversize sweatshirt and avoids eye contact at all costs. “I’m glad you’re here.” It’s almost indiscernible. A quiet confession muttered toward the ground. If April hadn’t been so intensely staring, reading her lips, she probably would have missed it. That’s enough for April to choose to be brave, if only for a moment, and closes the gap between them, encompassing Sterling in a tight hug.

The way Sterling clings to her makes April’s whole-body tingle. In that moment she realizes just how much she missed Sterling and her touch. The girl’s fingertips practically claw their way into April’s back, and her face snuggled right up against her neck. She doesn’t think it’s physically possible to be any closer.

They stay connected for the longest time. Neither one wants to be the first to let go. It’s not until April feels a wetness on her neck that she begins to pull away.

She pulls back just enough so she can wiggle an arm between them to wipe away Sterling’s tears. Her fingers linger on Sterling’s cheek, gently cupping it. “Hey, hey, Sterl. What’s wrong?” The concern drips from her voice, and her heart rate elevates as she assesses the girl in her arms.

“Everything’s changed.”

Sterling begins to sob after chocking out the words. Her body wracking, making it hard to breathe. April just holds her close.

She doesn’t ask what’s wrong, or to explain herself. She doesn’t tell her she’s ok and that ‘everything’s . gonna be alright’ because she doesn’t know that. April always hated when people would make promises they couldn’t keep, speaking of a future that’s not guaranteed. Those kinds of affirmations never made her feel any better, so she never imposes them on anyone else. Instead she simply states what she knows to be true: “I’m right here. You’re not alone.”

The words are repeated as April soothingly strokes Sterling’s hair. A couple times she dared place a kiss to the girl’s temple before once again assuring her “I’m with you. We’re here together.” These actions seem to work as she feels Sterling’s grip on her relax. Fingers no longer clawing her back, rather resting atop her blazer. The sobs die out, and the tears slow. April can tell Sterling’s breathing has returned to a more normal state. She sighs in relief.

“Will you stay with me?” Sterling asks without moving, head still buried in April’s neck. It’s timid and shy.

And it makes April weak.

“Yea, yes. I’ll just tell my parents I’m staying at Hannah B’s.”

“That won’t get you in trouble?” It’s asked from the same position, neither girl daring to move.

“No, my dad’s actually been extra lenient since he came home. As if that’s supposed to make up for what he did. Like if he just started treating me like a fucking human that would be good enough.” The last part comes off stronger than she intended. She can’t help but get angry when discussing her father. The emotions always seem to get the better of her when it comes to him. He has too much power over her and she hates it.

April quickly changes subject, her voice soft and sweet. “Why don’t you go take a nice hot shower, and put on a fresh pair of PJs. I’ll be right here when you’re done.”

Sterling looks at her a moment with this concerned glint in her eye before silently agreeing to the idea. Before she enters the on suite bathroom connecting her and Blair’s rooms, Sterling shows April the pajama drawer in her dresser and tells her to help herself.

Once Sterling closes the bathroom door, April picks a pair of pants and t-shirt from the drawer and quickly changes. Removing that annoying school uniform has never felt better. She stars at herself in the mirror for a long time, admiring the look of herself in Sterling’s clothes. In her stomach, butterflies begin to riffle wildly.

She’s a bit nervous to actually sit on Sterling’s bed. And the thought of them sleeping side by side, the way they wanted to a week ago, brings April near the edge of tears.

She tries to wash the feeling away by tidying the room up a bit. She collects the discarded trash and tissues strewn about the room into the garbage can by the bedside table. She gets all the homework and textbooks she brought over out of the bag and on the desk. Once again being reminded that she has Blair’s schoolwork as well. She thinks about bringing them over to the other girl’s room but ultimately decides one interaction with Blair was enough for the night. She doesn’t want to take any chances on messing things up.

April eventually gives in and cautiously takes a seat on the bed, back against the headboard, knees up. She pulls out her journal to jot down her feelings, in an attempt to curb their sensation. It’s not a minute later that Sterling enters the room hair dry and clothes fresh. She sees April writing in the book and begins to lightly tease her, “ooooh a diary!” She’s too exhausted to come up with any witty quips, so she just reverts back to a child singingly taunting her.

April explains it’s _not_ a diary. More of a journal for poetry, drawings, general musings and feelings. “A place where I can put moments and feelings I want to remember. There’s no real structure to it.”

“So did you write about our first kiss?” She means to joke, but Sterling’s intentions are evident by the way her voice trails off, and her body retracts from it’s previous position of peering over April’s shoulder.

“Of course.” It’s quiet, but there’s confidence. It’s reminiscent of the way she spoke at the arcade. _I crush hard on girls. And only girls._

“Can I see it?” Sterling timidly asks, almost certain the answer would be no.

April smiles and breathes heavy in amusement, “No, it’s much too embarrassing.”

This admission perks Sterling up to her usual bubbly self, gaining a confidence she lacked before. “Come on! It can’t be that bad!”

“No!” April giggles as she dodges Sterling’s lunge toward the book in her grasp. The tension around them rapidly disappearing.

Sterling stops for a moment as if in deep consideration. “What if I told you something equally as embarrassing?”

April entertains the idea, her eyebrow arced in pure curiosity. “Depends. It’d have to be pretty damning, and should per context pertain to me since my thing is about you.”

“Oh it certainly is, and does. In fact, I’m not sure if you can handle it really. I probably shouldn’t say anything.” Sterling teases back. She can tell she’s got April hook line and sinker. And her smug grin grows.

“Fine, you first.”

Sterling clears her throat and ponders for a moment on how to word her secret. She takes too long as April playfully pushes her shoulder, “Come on, out with it.”

“Okay, okay! So, you remember our fight after the debate?”

April’s brow furrows in confusion, not having any idea whatsoever where this could be going. She silently begs her to continue.

“When you grabbed my arm, it felt like a bolt of lightning. Like something within me awoke.” Sterling pauses again to think, and she can tell April is dissatisfied with how ‘embarrassing’ this story is so far. She makes a motion to reassure her she’s not done yet. “So on a semi-related tangent, Luke and I have had sex yes, but um I had never—” she coughs, hoping April will infer what she means via context clues. She can tell April has done exactly that, but is being smug about it, feigning ignorance to force Sterling to say the word. “orgasmed! Happy?”

April laughs and bites her bottom lip, “yep” popping the p, “but I still don’t see how this relates to me?”

“After our fight, I had this urge. And uh, so I did, and yeah. I orgasmed for the first time while thinking about you.” She rushes through the last statement in the most matter of fact way to make it feel less vulnerable. And she nods her head along proudly with a ‘yep I just said that’ expression, in effort to keep herself from spontaneously combusting.

April’s grin grows even wider, there’s nothing coy about her face. She licks her teeth, smacking her lips. She can’t get over how good it feels knowing she has _that_ much power over Sterling. Her mind is instantly transported to a myriad of steamy daydreams she always felt a little guilty about indulging in. Hearing Sterling had done the same with her fills her with an intense heat. Her whole body covered in goosebumps.

Sterling squirms a bit at April’s silence yet cocky demeanor. She practically begs, “your turn! Let me see!”

April laughs and pages through the book to find the entry from that afternoon locked in Ellen’s classroom. When Sterling first kissed her, she was surprised. She had imagined this moment countless times in her life, she had a hard time sussing out reality. For the briefest of moments, she wondered if she should just leave. Pretend it didn’t happen and move on while finally knowing the bliss of kissing a girl and hoping that would be enough to get her through the next couple years. But by the time she reached the door she knew that was never an option. Sterling had given her a chance to really live her truth, if only for a moment. And she planned on taking full advantage of that gift.

They made out for about an hour before Ellen came back from her meeting. Of course, her naivete meant she didn’t question why the door was locked, but she was curious why they were still there. The girls had quickly come up with an excuse that they accidentally knocked over their Solomon’s Temple diorama and had to make a repair, then left in a hurry. When April got home that night and opened her journal to write, the words came as a poem:

_I want to write poems of love  
Scribbled on your skin  
With my tongue as the pen_

_Words only we can read_  
Tattooed in ink you feel  
In the deepest parts of yourself

Sterling reads the poem over and over again, committing every word to memory. She’s simultaneously emotional and aroused by the stanzas. Never had she felt more loved, than she does right now reading them. She’s quiet for so long, April begins to worry. Was it too much? But Sterling surprises her with a soft request, “can you write a copy for me? I’d like to have one as a memento if that’s okay with you.” Tears begin to well up in Sterling’s eyes again and April immediately pulls her close.

“Of course.”

She’s not entirely sure why Sterling’s crying, but she understands how heavy the actual feelings behind both of their admissions truly are, especially in this context having broken up. April still really cares for Sterling, and if she had her way, they’d still be together, out and proud. Existing without secrets, and loving freely. Deep down she knows Sterling feels the same. It’s hard to be with someone knowing the feeling is mutual but also that it’s not possible for you to be together. Once again April wishes she could _be_ brave.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be enough for you.”

Sterling immediately takes offense to that and pops her head up from April’s shoulder to look her in the eyes. “Hey, don’t say that. Circumstances are what they are, none of that is _your_ fault.” 

April bites her bottom lip to keep it from quivering. She doesn’t respond with any words, but the way she intertwines their fingers says enough. Sterling returns to her previous position cuddled up against April’s form. “This is nice.” April whispers. The longing evident in her voice echoes through the room. She thinks about how they would have done this at the Lock-In in a perfect world. How if her father was still gone, she could have experienced this moment feeling joy and excitement rather than the deep melancholy of their current set of circumstances.

Sterling begins to fidget with April’s hand, feeling each finger interlocked with her own. Thumb rubbing gently across April’s palm. She hums in agreement.

April can’t shake the memory of that night on the bench. There were so many things left unsaid. She just didn’t know what else to do. She doesn’t like the way they left things. The finality of their break was too much. Maybe there was still hope, that somehow, someway things didn’t have to end the way they did. “Do you think, if things were different, we could still be together?”

There’s a long silence before Sterling responds, and in that time April feels like her heart was breaking all over again. _maybe, actually, I don’t know._

Sterling stops her fidgeting and sits up, April mirroring her. “There’s something I need to tell you. Something that will probably make you hate me, and you won’t want me anymore.” She wants to reach across the space between them and hold April’s hands in hers, but she can’t bring herself to. She can’t bear the tough of feeling April physically recoil from her touch after she reveals what she should have long ago.

April looks extremely uncomfortable, obviously not expecting this turn of events. She subconsciously physically braces herself, wrapping her arms around her body in a self-hug fashion. Her eyes never break from Sterling’s as she waits with bated breath.

“I turned your father into the authorities, well Blair and I did, but yea, I’m responsible for him getting caught.”

“That’s why he kept asking about you.” She says it more to herself, looking down. April’s mind begins spinning with flashes of moments where the Wesley twins acted weird upon mention of her father. Why they accosted her in the parking lot that day asking for his whereabouts. She can’t even bring herself to ask for any kind of explanation, a how or why? Knowing that kind of detail would be too much for her to handle right now. Any reasoning being lost in a fog, in one ear out the other. For the second time since arriving at the Wesley’s house, she feels like she’s been hit by a freight train. It’s like her whole world is spinning out and she’s unable to steady herself…

She must have been lost in the chaos for a long time because Sterling’s pleading, yet foggy sounding voice pulls her back to reality. “Say something, please.”

April breathes in deep, and long, slowly trying to regain some sense of where she is. She stands up and walks a couple steps from the bed, as if on autopilot. She can hear Sterling stifle a sob behind her back. And for once, this sound doesn’t immediately make her want to console the girl. She contemplates leaving. But where would she go? She can’t go to Hannah B’s like she lied about without having to explain something. She certainly can’t go home to see her father like this. And honestly, she doesn’t _want_ to see him. He knew the Wesley’s were involved in his journey to prison, who knows what he’d do to them now that he’s home. Especially if he found out about her relationship with Sterling. And that she was here right now.

She can hear Sterling continuing to cry, doing a poor job of covering it up. The bitter and hateful part of herself wonders if it’s just an attempt at emotional manipulation. Had their whole relationship been?

April quietly speaks, though not turning around to face Sterling, “I need some space.” She locks herself in the on suite bathroom. She can’t leave but she needs to be alone right now. She tries to steady herself over the sink as her own sobs begin to wrack her body. Her legs grow too weak after some time so she slumps to the floor, back against the door. Once again, she clings to her body for comfort, wrapping her arms around her tightly.

She doesn’t quite understand which emotion she should be feeling strongest. Somehow, they all mix together, rotating with each thought. She’s angry, incredibly so. Angry at her father for what he did, angry at Sterling for lying to her this whole time. Scared for her safety, and even more so for that of Sterling and Blair. Sad for thinking she could be truly happy for once in her life.

Sterling lied to her. For so long. And even after her whole monologue about how much she hated lying, instead of coming clean Sterling kissed her! And then Sterling begged for the, to come out, to live their truth. All while keeping this bombshell secret. She wonders what exactly was real.

She can still hear Sterling’s sobs through the door, and all she wants is to be there to comfort her, but she herself needs comforting. And it pains her that the one person she wants to console her is the reason she’s in this state. She thinks about how much Sterling’s action directly impacted her family dynamic. The onus still very much being on John Stevens for all the fucked-up shit he did, but Sterling’s role in this brought so much pain to her life.

And then she thinks about Sterling’s lips.

Sterling’s interference may have upset her family life, but without said action, April may never have gotten to experience all the good it brought. The small bit of bravery she got to feel that blissful week of his absence. If John Steven’s wasn’t out of the picture, April never would have had the courage to kiss Sterling back. To experience a reciprocated love. Surly that feeling was worth something right?

It’s one thing to know who you are deep down in your heart of hearts, and to be at peace with who that person is. But to get to live that life, as that person she fought so hard to keep hidden. Now that was a whole other thing. A beautiful thing. Those feelings were a mere dream of April’s, that maybe one day she’d be safe enough to experience. Sterling gave her that. Even if it was in a very shitty, round about way.

…

The water feels cool on her face, but it still stings around her tear stained eyes. She’s not exactly sure how long she sat there, holed up in the locked bathroom. But she can tell by the soft snores coming from behind the door that it was a while.

April decides she can’t stay in here all night, sleeping in the bathtub a very much unappealing option to say the least. It’s a good thing she slowly opens the door, for Sterling’s sleeping body rolls off it jerking her awake. “Hrrnnn!’

Sterling launches herself upright, standing in front of the now open door.

April reaches out to place a hand on Sterling’s face. This action clearly overwhelming as Sterling releases a long-held breath. Her eyes shinning with fresh unspilled tears. April closes the distance between them, placing a short chaste kiss to Sterling’s lips. “We need to discuss this, but it’s late and we both need to rest.”

April leads them back to the bed, hand in hand. Once under the covers, April turns off the light and situates herself with her back toward Sterling. A moment passes where the Wesley girl doesn’t know exactly what to do, but April reaches behind her to grab Sterling’s arm and guide it to wrap around her own waist, intertwining their fingers in the process.

The tension between them slowly dissipates as Sterling snuggles closer. They both feel like they can breathe a bit easier knowing the other is right there with them. They both know there’s so much left to be said, however no more words are spoken as they drift off to sleep…


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rest of the evening, more secrets are shared, and a hope for the future shines.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so much to everyone who left such lovely reviews on part 1! I really wanted to respond to all of them individually, but decided to wait till part 2 was finished. It's a bit shorter, but I think it sums up what else needed to be said. I hope to write more stepril stuff in the future, now that this is complete I can begin to daydream new ideas! Hope you enjoy!!

Hours later April slowly wakes due to Sterling’s unconscious squirming.

3:02 am

At least they got a few hours of sleep April thinks.

Sterling continues to rustle against her while incoherently mumbling. April rolls over to get a better look at her big spoon. Sterling’s facial features are tense. Brows furrowed, forehead wrinkled, jaw locked with teeth grinding. Her shaking growing in intensity along with whatever nightmare she seems to be having.

April tries to wake her up gently, not wanting to startle the poor girl. She runs a hand over her cheek thumb stroking Sterling’s lips and along her jaw. She runs her fingers up and down the bridge of her nose, all the way up her forehead. Little caresses that gently ease the tension away.

Sterling doesn’t wake, but her thrashing movements slow, and the mumbling stops. April takes that as a good sign and decides to just keep an eye on her while she looks peaceful. She studies Sterling’s face, memorizing every freckle and mark, wanting to commit this moment to memory as it might be the only time she gets this particular point of view.

She begins to reminisce on their week together, and then the past week they spent apart. Being cut off of any and all contact like that after being so close, really hurt. Gladly, she remembers Sterling said her phone was broken so that fact gave her a little hope. Maybe Sterling would have returned her messages had she received them. Their interactions tonight certainly seem to prove Sterling would have in some form.

A week she spent alone, heartbroken and confused. April would spend each day just going through the motions. She’d stare at Sterling’s empty desks in the classes they shared. Scan the courtyard before, during, and after school to see if she’d make an appearance. She even spent her days checking for Blair every now and then, hoping for any sign of life from the Wesley girls. With each passing day, and every unanswered text April grew more and more worried. Afraid that something happened. Afraid Sterling somehow convinced her parents to let them switch schools because she never wanted to see April again. Afraid that her breakup with Sterling on the bench outside the Lock-In would be the last interaction she’d have with her. She knew she was jumping to the worse case scenarios, but April couldn’t bear the thought of Sterling’s crying face being the last thing she saw of her.

Looking at her now, lying beside her even after what was a tumultuous night to say the least, April finally felt a sense of relief. Sterling was ok, physically at least. They had more to talk about, but it felt like there was hope. That the finality of their last interaction wasn’t quite as true as she once thought.

She still wanted Sterling in her life, in some capacity. Any that Sterling would allow. April didn’t think she could handle losing her all over again like she did in 5th grade. But she also didn’t want to go back to hating each other. How could she? She’s been crushing hard on Sterling for years, merely putting it off as an angry competitiveness. Deep down she knew. Going back to a pre-Solomon’s Temple relationship was the last thing she wanted.

Looking at Sterling’s lips gave her such an urge to lean forward and press a kiss against them. She had kissed her earlier, to which Sterling didn’t object, but April still isn’t sure where they stand. It was impulse, the only thing she could think to communicate the things she couldn’t say in that moment. Maybe it was a selfish move and putting Sterling in that position wasn’t super fair. She just missed her so much, and she still cares so much. Why did it all have to be so fucking complicated?

Sleep overcomes her a while later, drifting off to thoughts of what could have been. If she had only had the courage, or if her father wasn’t such a scumbag. She wishes he never came home. It’s not long before she’s jolted awake by her bedside partner once again.

Sterling shoots upright in a cold sweat, desperately gasping for air. April sits up next to her and begins rubbing her back with one hand while taking one of Sterling’s in her other. “Hey hey, I’m right here. Just breathe, in, out, slow.” She mimes a calming breathing pattern for Sterling to follow along. The girl mimics and her heart rate comes down slowly.

“What’s wrong?” April coos as she tucks a strand of hair behind Sterling’s ear.

“I thought I was being taken again.” Sterling rasps, still a bit worked up.

April smiles softly and returns her hand to gently stroking Sterling’s back, “Again? You have this nightmare often?” It’s meant to be lighthearted. A joke to lighten the mood, but this only makes things more tense as Sterling begins to cry.

Terrified, April quickly scoops Sterling up in her arms and holds her close to her chest.

Sterling cries hard for a long time, unable to form any coherent sentences so she quickly gives up on trying to provide any explanation at the moment. She could tell that April was worried she’d done something wrong by the way her eyes shined with regret. She couldn’t do much other than brush her thumb across the small of April’s back to let her know that she was okay. April seems to relax at this, which gives Sterling some relief.

When Sterling calms down enough for the tears to slow and the sobs to stop, she pulls away just enough to lean her forehead against April’s, eyes closed. She breathes in deep before whispering, “I just wish I could go back.” She’s silent for a while, holding her position though opening her eyes to see April’s staring into her own. “God it’s so hard to not kiss you right now.”

The butterflies return to April’s stomach and flail wilder than before. She wants to kiss her just as badly, but she knows now is not the time. There is clearly something else going on that Sterling hasn’t shared yet, and as much as she doesn’t want to pry, she has to get to the bottom of it. She brings her hands up to cup Sterling’s face and pulls away enough to direct her lips to Sterling’s forehead. She kisses it softly before asking Sterling straight up, “What’s troubling you?”

Sterling silently motions for them to lay back down, if she’s going to have this conversation, she at least wants to be comfortable while doing it. April lays on her back and pulls Sterling to rest on her chest while wrapping her arms around her.

Sterling sighs deeply, “I have no idea how to tell you any of this. Everything that happened sounds so fucking outlandish, I don’t even know how to begin.”

“Anywhere’s fine. No need to fret over wording, I just want to help, but I’m not sure how much good I can do without some context.” April quietly assures while running a hand through Sterling’s hair.

“Well, turns out my mom has a secret evil twin.”

April is a bit stunned at the news, but she vaguely remembers reading a study on how _fraternal_ twins can run in families. It’s not exactly the able to cause a weeklong depressive episode type news she’d been expecting to hear, that is until Sterling continued, “An _identical_ twin.” Ok now things are a bit more interesting.

“After the Lock-In, I thought it was my mom who picked me up…” She drops off, knowing April could put two and two together. “She was fleeing to Mexico to outrun some bad shit she’d done in the past, and she wanted to take me with her.”

April can tell by the waiver in Sterling’s voice that the girl had been trying to keep herself from crying again. April places a kiss to the top of her head. She doesn’t ask any questions, adamant on letting Sterling reveal the details in her own time, but the admission is already damning in and of itself. April can’t help but feel semi responsible for setting this into motion. Had she not practically forced Sterling to leave the Lock-In by flirting with Luke, had she not opened the door to let her leave, had she not left her alone on that bench, Sterling could have been safe. Inside with all the others, as unknowing protection. She wants to apologize, but no words come to mind that can truly express the guilt she feels. She just rambles, “I-I can’t…I’m sor-” Her stammering gets cut off with the lightest of pecks to her lips.

Sterling pulls back to look April in the eyes. “It’s not your fault.” It’s as if she could read April’s mind, knowing exactly what to say to calm her down, “Look, we’ve both inadvertently caused each other pain. Why don’t we agree to stop blaming each other, and ourselves? Cause what good does that do besides cause more pain?” She has a crooked smile, a sad twinge hanging from the corner.

It’s sobering how calm Sterling speaks. The conviction in her plea. April realizes she must have spent the week consumed by every last detail of the memory. Reflecting on each step that got her to that point. She probably knew exactly how she would respond, and thus hid this tale for as long as she could. April couldn’t help but feel even sadder knowing Sterling was protecting her from the blame this whole time.

She nods in silent agreement, but still feels the tears filling her eyes. There’s still a few gaps April wants to fill, and so she does allow herself to ask a single question. “How’d you get away?” Sterling was kidnapped, even if it was by a family member. How had all this gone down, but there were no rumors around school, no news reports, just a family secret that only the Wesley’s knew.

Sterling lets out a small proud laugh, “Oh god, you’re not going to believe this…”

…

It was quite a long tangent, but one that upon finishing made sense. April found herself reeling a bit just from the insane amount of information Sterling just monologued about, let alone the actual details. _Bounty Hunters_. She understood the concept. Just how the Wesley twins got involved in such practice certainly was outlandish, as Sterling described earlier. The fact that they had been involved in such dangerous activity for as long as they had was simultaneously impressive and infuriating. She was concerned for Sterling’s safety, and rightly so, but she has admit, if it weren’t for all the bounty hunting experience, would either Wesley twin have known to leave and track clues? The bounty hunting, and this Bowser fellow, saved her. And April was severely grateful for that.

“That’s how we ended up turning in your dad.” Sterling continues, “He was a skip. I hate how much I hurt you, but I’m not sorry for turning him in. He deserved to pay for what he did.” Bringing her tangent full circle. April could tell, though determined in her conviction, Sterling was still worried what kind of reaction this admission would receive. It made sense now why Sterling wouldn’t commit to a maybe someday. _maybe, actually, I don’t know_ She probably thought April would hate her after learning what she did to her father. And while she still may be upset, she can’t say she disagrees with Sterling’s ultimate action.

“No, I agree.” April lets out. It’s a quiet moment before April continues, “you really stopped a guy by shooting the lights out above him?” She asks in effort to lighten the mood, but also lowkey impressed.

Sterling grins and nods, “A _naked_ guy! He probably still has glass in _unfortunate_ places.” She winces and laughs recalling the image of him rolling on the ground in pain.

“I should have known you’re such a good shot. You do have a proclivity for precision.” April alludes to the numerous times Sterling would measure and cut and remeasure and recut each little piece to scale for their Solomon’s temple project. And she might have also been referring to the specific way her tongue would curve around hers each time they kissed, the wink she throws Sterling’s way really hitting that point home. This exchange is perhaps the closest to normal since April showed up unannounced the day before. It’s light and flirty, harkening back to the week before the Lock-In. The energy between them intense and off the charts.

It takes all the self-control April can manage to hold herself back from escalating things any further between them. She lays back down and invites Sterling to resume her previous cuddle position, to which she happily obliges.

They lay like that for a long time. The silence between them comfortable for a change. The tension has dissipated for the most part, and everything feels good. April loves the way Sterling traces small patterns on her hipbone quietly humming an all too familiar tune. _I’m alright with a slowburn--_

It’s hardly subtle, and the tenderness of the moment makes April feel like things might actually be alright. Maybe someday.

Sterling sighs moments later before quietly admitting, “Dana, is my biological mother.” She can tell it’s the first time Sterling voices this fact since finding out the truth a week ago by the way her eyes widen after realizing what she’d just said. It’s a steady and clinical profession, which surprises both girls really.

And with that it suddenly all makes sense. All the little details that didn’t exactly add up before quickly start fitting into place. Why the Wesley parents were complicit in helping Dana evade the law, why they hid her existence from the girls this whole time, why Dana kidnapped Sterling _specifically_ in the first place.

 _This_ is why Sterling hasn’t left her room in days. _This_ is why Blair was also absent from school all week.

They’re not twins.

April’s heart breaks for the both of them. Everything they ever knew their whole life being violently uprooted and revealed to be a lie. She supposes it might feel similar to how she felt when learning the truth about the kind of man her father is. But April can’t imagine how much worse it must feel knowing it’s _all_ a lie. The thought almost makes her sick, so she deep breathes a few times to calm herself down before turning her attention back to Sterling.

Sterling sits up, pulling her knees to chest, hugging them tightly. “You know what the worst part about all this is?” She turns her head slightly to look at April for a moment. “As awful as I feel, I feel worse about not being able to be there for Blair.” She hangs ger head in shame. “We may not actually be twins, but I can _feel_ how much she’s hurting too, she’s trying to be strong for my sake, but I just can’t muster the energy to return the favor.” Tears fall once again, for what feels like the hundredth time that night. They could have filled a bathtub between the two of them. She makes a mental note to get some water later for both of them, so neither gets too dehydrated.

April sits up next to her and wraps an arm around Sterling, pulling her in close. “I’m sure Blair understands, you’re being too hard on yourself.” She pokes playfully at Sterling’s cheek which causes the girl to look up. She flashes a comforting smile before continuing, “listen to what you said earlier, blaming yourself is only causing you both extra unnecessary pain.”

Sterling laughs a bit through her tears agreeing to let it go. She brings up another aspect April hadn’t quite thought of yet. “I don’t even know how to look at my mom anymore.”

She bites the inside of her cheek, mulling over what to say. “You know, I’m not very close to my mom, if you recall.” April starts, remembering how when they were young, and Sterling would come over, Mrs. Stevens was almost always absent, and the times she was home, she wasn’t exactly the shining example of Christ’s love. April would always insist on hanging out at Sterling’s place instead. Her mother was always kind.

“However weirdly, when my father was gone, it seemed to bring us together. Like we had a common enemy to bond over.” April quietly laughs at the irony. “I think she always resented the relationship I had with him, but instead of just trying to foster the same closeness, she’d just be bitter about it. But recently, now, for the first time in years, I could see my mother making an effort. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but to me, it meant the world.” She chews her lip a moment, lost in thought. “I’m not quite sure what the point of telling you this is, I guess that even the most strained of relationships can be healed, if you both put the effort in.”

“Does that include your dad?” Sterling asks, genuinely wondering what April’s planning to do now that he’s back.

“No, I don’t think there’s any saving that relationship. Especially not after he finds out about my lie.” April alludes. She doesn’t plan to come out to him anytime soon, for fear of his likely violent retaliation. But she knows that someday it will have to be revealed. She’ll have to live her truth, and she hopes that when that day comes, there’s someone special by her side.

Sterling nods in agreement, pulling away to look at April. She stares for a moment before asking, “Are _we_ going to be ok?”

“I think so.” April predicts with an air of confidence the words seem to contradict.

“So then, can I change my answer?” Sterling excitedly muses.

Earnest April asks, “what do you mean?”

“When you asked me ‘maybe someday’ the other night…” Sterling waits for a visible sign April recalls before continuing, “hopefully someday.”

April smiles softly and holds Sterling’s hand in her own, much like she wanted to at the Lock-In but was too afraid to do so. She decides, if only for a moment, to _be_ brave. “Definitely someday.”

**Author's Note:**

> The inserted poem is written by Trevor Stines, published in his poetry book "Leather and Glass" It's a beautiful compilation of poems that I highly recommend yall check out! Please don't be shy, leave a review! I'd love to hear your thoughts! Thanks so much for reading!


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